A Fabricated History of the First Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a week away. Thought I would share some humor from Chris Gay.The traditional Thanksgiving has changed dramatically over the years. Chris in a humorous way pokes fun of the the Black Friday tradition that many have.

Fall

By Chris Gay Each November, millions of families and friends get together to give thanks on a holiday conveniently created for that very purpose. (October, if you’re Canadian. But that’s another faux history) In honor of Thanksgiving, I’ve written a brief fictitious history of Turkey Day. Enjoy. The Freedom to Shop During the early years of the 17th Century, Englishmen and women were subject to the overly restrictive shopping policies set down by the British Crown. When traveling out to purchase cheap, unnecessary trinkets for the upcoming Christmas holiday, the King’s Subjects were limited to the few Royal strip malls that were mostly located around suburban London. Most of the citizenry complied so as not to rock the boat, but for some who felt they should have the freedom to purchase as they saw fit, the frustration began to mount. These people were labeled ‘Pilgrims,’ for their desire to be granted the right to make ‘Pilgrimages’ to the United Kingdom’s big box retail stores that were deemed off-limits to the common folk. The Secret Plan The brave Pilgrims began to meet in secret to discuss a way to throw off the King’s heavy yoke and end his persecution of purchasers purchasing unsanctioned purchases. Eventually, they opted to form a new settlement on the distant shores of the New World...America. But the burning question was, how could they ever afford a boat and the cost of supplies? Then one day it hit them. Sponsorship. The Mayflower Compact Ultimately, they were able to carry out their plan with sponsorship money from multiple sources. First, they contracted with the Mayflower Moving and Storage Company for enough funds to stock the boat with food, clothing and first aid, in exchange for the ship’s Naming Rights. This was known as the “Mayflower Compact.” The ship itself was built by materials donated by The Home Depot, on the conditions that upon the Pilgrims arrival in Virginia, (The Colony they were originally slated to settle in) that company would be granted exclusivity rights to the entire Chesapeake Bay region, and also that the official Virginia state motto be permanently changed to “More Saving. More Doing. That’s the power of the Home Depot.” The Voyage to America In the summer of 1620, the Mayflower and her crew loaded on two sets of travelers; the British Shopping Separatists and another group from Holland. The latter assemblage was added because the ship’s Captain, Christopher Jones, (No relation) thought that the trip would go much smoother with the passengers more manageable if everyone on board had a steady supply of Dutch cocoa and those tasty, cool-looking windmill cookies. The trip lasted several long, arduous months, with the crew and passengers alike suffering everything from Cabin Fever to Scurvy. In fact, this might’ve been the one time a group of people would’ve been ecstatic if Life had handed them lemons. (Trust me, that joke will get funnier the more you think about it) Finally, in November the Mayflower came upon Cape Cod, Massachusetts, where it dropped anchor on the 21st. Captain Jones and future Plymouth Colony Governor William Bradford went ashore with a search party to find a Denny’s, as well as a place to establish their permanent settlement. The question of why they didn’t continue south as planned was answered by Bradford’s journal entry dated 21 November 1620: “T’is unbearably cold, the journey took months longer than anticipated, and we are completely out of beer. Screw Virginia, I decree that we shall settle right here. Sorry, Home Depot. You win some, you lose some.” Land Ahoy! In early spring 1621, the remaining passengers joined the scouting parties on shore and built huts on their new settlement grounds. Shortly thereafter, an English-speaking Native American named Samoset came by to welcome the settlers at the Plymouth Colony. He asked William Bradford if there was anything he could get them and, according to witnesses, Bradford replied: “Sure. How about some corn, pumpkins, a little squash, a few turkeys and the entire Eastern Seaboard?” With the help of another English-speaking Native American, Squanto, the Pilgrims were able to not only successfully plant maize, but also pour the foundation for the very first Dunkin’ Donuts in North America. Summer of 1621 Throughout the summer of 1621, the Pilgrims labored furiously to erect their dream settlement. By early July, they had already constructed an Applebee’s, Ruby Tuesday’s and, for a taste of home, Arthur Treacher’s Fish & Chips. By late August, the Plymouth Colony Mall & Buckle-Focused Haberdashery was completed in its entirety. Its grand opening featured a ribbon-cutting ceremony attended by Neil Diamond, who happily performed ‘Sweet Caroline’ for the assembled crowd. The First Thanksgiving In November, Plymouth governor William Bradford extended an invitation to Wampanoag chief Massasoit to join the Pilgrims at a banquet to celebrate the success of their initial harvest, as well as the completion of the glamorous new mall and adjacent 18-theater Movie Cineplex. Bradford had planned to make popcorn as an appetizer, until his wife reminded him that they’d left their microwave oven back in England. For the main feast, Massasoit sent four men to the North Truro Boston Market (Then known as ‘Boston Chicken’) to pick up the dinner they’d thoughtfully called and ordered the day before. When they returned, the Pilgrims and Wampanoags gorged themselves on turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, cole slaw and the awesome macaroni and cheese Boston Market makes using that spiraled pasta. Dessert was Dutch apple pie (Forgot about that Holland group, didn’t you?) with a topping choice of Hood Cookie Dough ice cream or Cool Whip. Post-Feast Activities After the meal had been eaten and the plastic plates and utensils placed in the recycling bin, the members of both groups retired indoors to watch the Dallas Cowboys play the Detroit Lions on a 52-inch HDTV Bradford had bought from Best Buy. By halftime, the effects of the poultry’s tryptophan kicked in and both the Wampanoags and Pilgrims alike had already passed out asleep on the floor and three available couches. Later that evening, both groups toasted each other continuously with huge mugs of Narragansett beer until Bradford broke up the party, announcing that he needed a few more hours of shuteye so he’d be rested enough to fight through the early morning Black Friday crowds. The Day After Black Friday afternoon, after all the shopping had been done and the Christmas trees set up throughout the settlement, Bradford gathered his people around the McDonald's Gazebo in the middle of the State Farm Insurance Town Square to address them. An excerpt from his journal entry that day chronicles his speech: “Fellow Englishmen and Hollandaise; no wait, I think that’s a sauce. Fellow Englishmen and Dutch persons. Today we gather to celebrate the completion of a dream. We have at long last shaken off the reigns of Great Britain and here, in the New World, we can now shop where we choose without fear. This is what America is all about: Commerce. The freedom to buy what we want, where we want, when we want and in the quantities we want. However, for no reason whatsoever, aside from perhaps the perpetual annoyance of this blog post’s author, I resolve that liquor stores in the Colony of Connecticut will remain closed on Sundays for the next 400 years. Amen.” And that my friends, is the fabricated history of the first Thanksgiving.

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